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I was a little hesitant about posting this because I'm sure you're all sick to the back teeth of me going on about my ex and his games. Nevertheless, I do need an answer to something, so...

I had a call from social services this morning. My ex has tried to make a referral to them about my children, making some false allegations about me and my partner. He did this before, some 18 months ago, soon after he was in prison, and the words of the social worker I spoke to this morning were something like "He hasn't come up with anything new, these are the same allegations he made before, we looked into it then and didn't find any grounds for what he was saying. We're not going to take up the referral this time either, but I just need to check with you that you're happy for us to phone the school to make sure the children are fine from their point of view". I of course said I was more than happy for them to do that, and that I'm willing to cooperate in any way that they may need because I have nothing to hide.

So the question I have is, even though social services have acknowledged that as far as they are concerned there are no grounds to the allegations and therefore they're not going to take up the referral, would the fact that my ex has made a referral twice to them, count as any kind of black mark against me or my partner? He and I both work with schools, so you can see why I'm asking. Or is it only if the police become involved that something would show up?

As far as I'm concerned this proves that he cares more about making trouble for me than he does about the children, that he would make up lies and risk the children being taken into care.

Hi Just Keep Swimming,

Since the Local Authority has accepted that it is the same allegations they have investigated before which they found no grounds to take it further and that they are not taking the refferal on this time, do not worry about it. However, in my opinion I would say be on your guard as they have a duty to log and investigate all referrals made to them. It is always advisable to cooperate fully with social services as you have done. Their contact with you today to inform you of their decision to ring the schoool to make sure the children are fine is due to the fact that they it is central to their duty to take into cosideration your wishes and feelings.

Good luck.

I really think you need to get some professional advice about this JKS, is your ex really putting the interests of the children first or is he using them to get revenge on you Is this another way of getting to you without breaching the Non-Molestation Order?

Thanks SFS. On the one hand I feel like I shouldn't worry about it because it's not true, but on the other hand I've been on this forum long enough to know that false allegations can cause a lot of damage, so I have to take it seriously.

That's my feeling. He recently wrote a letter to both the children and finished the letter by saying "Remember, one day we'll be together again, just the three of us. Forever". So he either genuinely believes he can get me out of the picture when he comes out of prison, or at least he's trying to scare me into thinking that's his intention, the reporting to social services would seem to tie in with that. Or maybe I'm just paranoid!

Take this seriously.

This will be noted at SS. I think it's important they do keep it on file.

So, he's breached his Nol Mol by making a false allegation about you hasnt he?
I would do as BJ suggests...Get some legal advice asap.

I doubt it will count as a breach, but it should be 'pocketed' for any future concern.

If it was a breach, what would the court do? The reality is that it is only the prison system which can do anything. He will be wanting early release, and if you can demonstrate that the complaint is exactly the one previously rejected, you can argue that it may be malicious and a breach of the order. The prison will not want to keep him in, but that is your best chance.

I'm not looking to try and catch him out on breaching his order, I'm just trying, as always, to protect myself and my children as best as I can under ever-changing difficult situations.

As I have a solicitor in place now for the mail forwarding, I think I might just email her the details regarding what's happened with social services, just for her to log it on my file for now. I probably will need to find the money to pay for an hour of her time for advice sometime soon, but I need to make sure I've got all the info first, I'll see if social services are willing to give me a copy of the full details of the allegations - she gave me brief details over the phone, but presumably I have the right to know exactly what it is I'm being accused of?!

Hello JkS , what age are your kids at ? i remember you posting about success on an 11+ or was it 13 + sometime back? (appols for memory ) But what do they say of their dad and the things he writes in letters ?

And what about visitations, do the kids want to go visit him , I assume if they did then a 3rd party or perhaps a relative would take them, so you wasn't there of course.

what comes to my mind is, managing the situation in order to get dad to accept you and he are finished, and for him to be able to see a life or a future that doesn't involve any jealousy, revenge and making life hell generally.

Sounds at this stage he seems to be tit for tatting, looking to cause a stink etc, and you having a new partner will likely piss him off big time, so if he is jealous nature then I can see that holding him back more.

I'd imagine people inside have lots of time to think, my point is do everything possible to get him to think in positive ways so everyones life can have some sort of chance of being normailised with stress events minimised.

And do you have any help with managing kids and family folk who are in prison any guidance n such ?

another one would cross and be a breach though?

Whether there is another breach or not, when he is already in prison, the only effective further restraint is by the prison authorities. They are not bound by similar technical rules. He is seeking to persuade them that he is rehabilitated and that there is no prospect of further misbehaviour on leaving.

That is the only effect current restraint on him.

They are 11 and 8. They don't comment too much about things he says, but they do like receiving letters and calls from him and enjoy the visits - I don't take them anymore for visits myself, I have a little troupe of friends who take it in turns.

I don't think he wants me back or anything, but as I've said before, he blames me for everything, and I think wants to make me suffer. I'm not too sure what you mean by tit for tatting, that implies that I'm doing similar things to him, I've really made great efforts to be as reasonable as I can about everything.

I don't think there's anything I can do to make him think any differently than he does.

I seek guidance from various sources!

Anyway, spoke with social services again today, they're going to write me a letter outlining the exact nature of the referral he made so I can give that to my solicitor. They also confirmed that they are not pursuing this, they spoke with the school who said that they had no concerns at all about the children.

There are over 3 years more to go before the earliest date he could be considered for release, the probation service said they will contact me prior to that and give me the opportunity to voice any concerns I might have about an early release. If he carries on like this I'll have quite a catalogue of things to tell them!

That is good news that the school have confirmed to social services that they have no concerns regarding the children.

All the best.

Hi jk, with the tit for tat, I meant from his view, as in prolly no matter what you do, he will tat against it, like getting kids phones or whatever the next wrong thing is he perceives you have done.

I think its good that he can at least let go of you, and perhaps the letter writing to the kids is him being inside trying to maintain some positive hope by saying things like 3 of us together forever n such to them..?

And by the time he is up for any early release it's very likely the kids will not want to switch parental homes anyhow by then (coming up 15 and 12) , so I don't see that as a realistic possibility.

I don't know how long he has been away (and you split) but why do you think he bothers with trying to make life awkward , I thought it might be a jealousy thing but if you rule that out....... maybe he is not over break, as up to 18 months typical mourning process for break up's , hence him being difficult still perhaps ?

I dont think he has to be honest. He is clearly a very hurt man and is unable to move on whilst he is in prison. Lets face it, what has he got to come out too realistically.

What he did was wrong admittedly but if we reversed the roles for a second, you can kind of see how he is thinking and feeling. I think most parents find it hard to have another person live with their children along side raising them until they find a new partner of their own. For JKS's ex, he most likely worries that her new partner will become more of a father figure than he is whilst he is in prison. Its not as if he can take them on trips or anything is it, and they will be quite grown up by the time he gets out.

I dont think the relationship has been resolved really even though JKS has moved on. He mostly likely has alot of questions as to where it all went wrong but until he is out of prision, I doubt he can move forward with his life.

Heloo bj, well I based my hope on what JKS said




Obviously I have no detailed in's and outs ,(why then split n such) and was why I mentioned jealous perhaps of any new partners and such previously, but I don't know how long the split was and such, and even under normal splits it is often a shocking and numbing experience that can take a good while to deal with...... So I hope he is not too jealous as that can be a bugger on top of any other feeling like nose out of joint processing.

The being awkward bit seems a tad immature and petty, so whats the reason for that ? Thats what I think of, get that sorted, then hopefully there will not be any catalogs of inappropriate behaviour next few years etc........

Well that's the theory anyhow. And that can always go to rat shit.